Remake of Classic Series Announced

Paramount television is proud to announce that the remake of Fantasy Island starring newcomers Tim "Miracle Whip" Rookie and Johnny Taliban will make its debut March 20th at 9:00PM on the Fox Network. Hervé Villechaize, who died several years ago is ably replaced by Taliban who will make his television and film debut in the series. Tim has previously been featured in Kraft Food's "Miracle Whip, for when you can't have Mayo" advertisements.

GrandPapa Warren

For those of you who don't know, Warren (you remember him - he used to ride the train with us, at least when the Swede was still around) has recently become the first 5:18er to become a grandfather. At least as far as we know he's the first - anyone want to fess up to any love children from their younger days who might now be parents? Warren, having reached the tender young age of 362 years, is now truly blessed. Congratulations from all the people with whom you used to ride the train!!

Rookie Gets The Gold

Recovering from a horrible pre-skate accident involving an electrical outlet that left his hair a prickly mess, Rookie remained calm and determined in skating to the gold medal.

A young bystander named Serge said of Rookie, "Who cares about the hair, he looked hot spinning around in that half-translucent outfit. I swear I could feel my sphincter vibrating with the excitement!" We asked Serge where he was from and he said, "wherever He's from, ooohGaa."

Rookie left the arena after the medals ceremony and was swarmed by a group of 40 or 50 exceedingly well-groomed 20-something young men, who proceeded to rip his clothes off leaving him standing in half of his underwear wondering where everyone was going later.

Time Machine Now Fully Functional

As proof that our new time travelling device is now fully functional we went back in time for a little frontier justice.

We decided that it was time to right a most heinous wrong and eject that ill-suited Melissa Gilbert from the role of Laura Ingalls and replace her with our own little Ingalls clone Maggie. We took this picture before we hopped back in the time machine and headed home to the 21st century.

Bill Resurfaces

So I've just received word from a well-placed source that ex-5:18'er Bill left his position as a high powered legal administrative assistant to form his own company.

The new company whose name I have not been able to uncover is apparently in the business of producing toilet products for the S&M crowd. Their first announced product is at left and promises to put a joyfully painful end to hemmoroids and to provide hours of pleasure to S&M inclined cold-sufferers who have run out of Kleenex. The 5:18 crew wishes Bill the best of luck in his new endeavor.

Our Academy Award Nominees

I think we should all take time out to congratulate Steve-O and Petey for their brilliant and heartfelt performance in this love story. We always knew they shared a special bond but this is ridiculous.

Anyone have an estimate for how many beers Steve-O had before pulling off this performance? None of us think this was a big stretch for Petey but Steve-O was a big surprise.

Mayo says, "I didn't know"!

Under a little known statute Peter Mayo, former VP of revelry management of the 5:18 crew, was arrested last night for Audible Harrassment and Child Endangerment for playing the first bar of Deep Purple's "Smoke On The Water" more than 500 times in a little less than one hour in an apparent violation of one of New Jersey's oldest nuisance statutes. No further details regarding the arrest were available at the time of this post. The picture has Mr. Mayo calling his lawyer. We hope he is released soon!!

Young Woman Catches Fire!

Our hero John Villa (renowned chef Dominic Resaurant - not really) was outside his office building several months ago and heroically extinguished a young woman whose blouse went suddenly up in flames. She recently contacted me to tell me that she has made a complete recovery and wanted me to let John know that she is ready, willing, and able to render his reward. When asked what the reward would be exactly, she sent me this picture and said, "Use your imagination!!".

After lifting myself off the floor and dusting off I hurried to share this with everyone.

Mayo Resigns!

Peter Mayo the longtime 5:18 VP of Revelry Management has stunningly resigned, saying "F U if you dont like it. buy me a beer and maybe we can talk about it!".

His resignation came as a surprise to many, but not to me. I've often said, "His heart's clearly not in it anymore! Since the Swede left his enthusiasm for the job has waned faster than a heterosexual hard-on in a Trappist monastery". The question remains: Will the 5:18 crew be able to find tits in a strip joint without him?

Murphy's has provided a boost to the Dover crew for post-commute fun, but what about our fellow travelers who don't, for lack of a better phrase, "Go all the way"? All this serves as the impetus for some serious speculation about Mayo's replacement. Who will it be? Will his departure forever cripple the 5:18 crew's revels? What do you think?