WANTED: NCCJB for Commuter Degeneracy

We hope you can help us replace our "Nice Clean Cut Jewish Boy" who has deserted us for romance in South Orange. We would prefer someone who rides west of Madison, but at this late date we will consider anyone.

Some of the qualities we consider important in NCCJB candidates are:

• Cellphone Expertise.
• Odd Facial Features - hey we gotta have something to make fun of.
• An Active Social Life - us married guys/gals need to get our vicarious kicks from someone.
• No Desire To Date John Villa's Relatives - that's how we lost the first one.
• No Giants or Mets fans - maybe this one is just me.
• A Huge Number of Female Commuter Friends who have what I like to call a "Morally Casual" attitude - in other words women who won't be offended when Petey makes very detailed inferences about the size, shape, or smell of their tits.
• Brewery Ownership - hey everyone dreams about "Free Beer"! Don't they?

Qualities we would prefer not to have in our NCCJB replacement:

• Breasts - on men we don't like them so much.
• Sleepiness - we like action.
• Sensitivity - what do we look like, a bunch of pansies?
• A wardrobe full of strange plaids and mustard colors - we already got one of "those" freaks.

Please apply to our VP of Revelry Management: Peter Mayo in person on the 5:18

Sleeping on train contributes to rampant obscenity

So here's how it works: when you fall asleep on the train (and you're of the female persuasion - lets face it the only thing obscene about guys sleeping on the train is the drool and the snoring) we are unable to control ourselves and consequently our heads are filled with "unclean" thoughts that border on the obscene. Therefore using the Fox News causality calculator "Sleeping Females = Obscenity" - simple huh?